Time for Therapy

Hello friends, Nicole here to chat about my mid life crisis.

Let’s see if we can’t come up with a term other than that though. I am certainly not in crisis however, I am definitely going through it. Mid life… calamity? Predicament? It’s a working title. Some major life decisions have been forced upon myself and my family and it just so happens that I am about to turn 49. You can’t get much more mid life than that.

Wow, typing 49 just now, really makes it sink in. Not just that I am “mid life” but also that I spent more than 60% of it in a job that I am coming to realize, had been sucking the life energy out of me. More on that later.

It has been about a month since I lost my job. The first couple of weeks were rough. I spent them wallowing and being taken for a ride on the emotional roller coaster. Family and friends suggested seeing a therapist, which made sense. There were so many thoughts swimming around my head but I was pretty much keeping it all to myself, in an attempt to, I don’t know…appear like I had everything under control. That, in and of itself, is reason to seek counselling. I am aware.

I booked an appointment.

If you have never been to a therapist, counselor or the like, I’ll share my experience with you. Because, well, this is a blog and it’s what I have to talk about.

The first question after some - get to know you - chat was, “what brings you in today” It had been approximately three minutes into the session and that friends, was all I needed for the word vomit to come spewing forth and the water works to start. It felt as though I had been bottling up the tears for weeks, just waiting for this stranger to ask me the right question burst the dam. It’s a bizarre thing, therapy. Why do we feel so at ease spilling our guts to an absolute stranger?

I was there to talk about losing my job obviously, and that took up the first part of the appointment. But she (and all therapists I imagine) had this ability to direct the conversation and uncover some underlying issues I didn’t even realize were there. For example, it was during this first session that I realized I have a hard time being vulnerable in front of people, including those closest to me. Even my husband. Vulnerability = weakness in my mind.

How ridiculous, we have been together for more than ten years, of course I share with him. But talking about how I was truly feeling while going through this forced midlife crisis, was very difficult for me to do. At a time when both of our lives were being turned upside down due to me losing my job, it was important that I be able to be completely transparent.

That night, when my husband and I talked, I had an opportunity to put into practice what my therapist and I had discussed, be vulnerable. Let me tell you, easier said than done. In fact, I am not even 100% certain that I did say anything that I had been feeling. Only that she and I had discussed me being more vulnerable with him, and that I didn’t always share all of my thoughts.

The next thing to come to light during this first therapy session was, that I shy away from confrontation. How ironic, you might say. How can someone who is so reluctant to appear weak, essentially cower from a potential argument? Well, I don’t have an answer to that one yet, perhaps a few more sessions.

I doubt that it is uncommon for people to avoid arguments, although I have known many people who seem to thrive on it. But me, I do not like to cause waves. Especially in my marriage. So now, while my husband and I are trying to figure out how our life is going to look going forward, I need to get comfortable expressing my thoughts even if some of them are different from his.

Until next time,

N