So many options

Hello Friends,

Welcome to the blog where I’ve been journaling my experiences as I navigate a mid life crisis.

It took about a month for most of the dust to settle after losing my job of 30 years. I had basically gone through all of the stages of grief that are typical for a major loss in life.

Denial - I simply could not believe that a company I had been loyal to for so many years actually let me go. You might file “utter shock” under this one as well.

Anger - mostly at myself. How could I be so dumb and not see it coming. Why did I stress and sacrifice my time and energy for a job that couldn’t care less about me.

Bargaining - what could I have done differently? Was there anything that might have saved my job?

Depression - There were more days than I care to admit that I spent without ever leaving the house, never mind getting dressed. Lots of binging TV series’ and naps during this stage. Not a lot of showers.

Acceptance - We are here! Yay.

I have no idea what a “normal” amount of time for someone to go through all of the stages of grief is. What I can attest to is that 1) they do not appear in order 2) they don’t wait for one to resolve itself before bringing on the next and 3) sometimes, even though you think you have graduated through one of the stages - surprise, it comes creeping back. Often while you are struggling with one or two others. You might also be interested to know that, even though I am in the acceptance stage, I still have bouts of all of those grief stages. Although thankfully, they seem to be significantly less severe as time passes.

So, acceptance, what does that look like? Well for me, it means that I am able to start to think rationally about options. There are many. Do I just go back to work in the field I was in? Do I find something similar that I can apply my skills and expertise to? Do I go in a completely different direction. After all, this is a mid life crisis. By definition “an emotional crisis of identity and self confidence that can occur in early middle age” Or, do I retire early.

Hahaha, that last one actually did cross my mind. Albeit, briefly. It would take some serious adjustments to the lifestyle that we (I) have become accustomed to. Please don’t misunderstand, we are not wealthy by any means but, we can afford to take a couple vacations south every year, we have a beautiful house on a lake. There would be some scaling back for sure. This option swiftly worked it’s way out of my head, with a little reminder from my lovely husband. I like nice things.

The next option was to simply go back to work. Even though I had only one job on my resume, the experience I had in leadership and management, as well as the company I had worked for probably meant I would be able to quickly get back on the horse so to speak. Or apply those skills to a similar role. But the more time passed, the more that option became less and less desirable.

I didn’t realize it until I was given the opportunity to look back. Corporate life is not for me. The stress and the pressure to deliver metrics and measurables. Yuck. After a few week had passed, I started to notice changes in my mental and physical health. I was no longer having to set an alarm to get up at 6am. Once my circadian rhythm was able to operate on its own terms, my energy changed, my sleep got better, my mood improved. Going back was not an option.

My husband and I had a lot of conversations about what I wanted to do, what we could afford, and what we would be willing to compromise. If I wasn’t going back to the only job I knew, that would mean that I would be starting over, completely, from scratch…scary, and exhilarating.

So, go in a completely different direction it is! I have always been an artist at heart. And hubs knows this. In fact a few years ago, he enrolled me into a course on interior design and bought me a new laptop. He is so supportive of my creativity and crazy ideas. Well most of them anyway, hence I’m not retiring at 49 lol.

My new career path is going to be more in line with what I love to do, and give me the chance to be in a field where I can be creative.

Looking back on that day in January when I lost my job. I absolutely felt “an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence” But the more time that passes, the more I am coming to realize that, they did me a favor by essentially forcing me into this midlife crisis. I could still be setting my alarm for 6am, struggling to get through a day just to be emotionally drained at the end of it. Instead, I get to go back to school. I get to spend my days being inspired and artistic.

Until next time.

N