The weeks after
Hello friends, I’m back with an update to my midlife crisis.
If you read my first post, you know that I was recently let go. Immediately after getting the news, I was reeling. I had dedicated thirty years of my life to this company. At that point in one’s career, you (well, I) settle in with a certain amount of confidence that there is some job security.
I know that is it rare in this day and age for a person to stay in the same job for so long. Around the time I hit 20 years, was when I would start to get reactions of shock and surprise when people heard I had two decades in. At the time, I would say things like, “yes it’s been 20 years but, I’ve had x number of positions“ or “I’ve worked in x number of locations” or “I’m always learning and doing something different” blah, blah, blah.
Looking back, I was kind of proud of the reactions. For someone who only has a high school education, I was doing alright. I was in a good position by then, and earning a decent wage.
When it comes to considering leaving a company once you achieve that type of tenure, it becomes increasingly difficult to do. There are benefits. For example, I had five weeks of vacation, I was grandfathered in to a couple of additional holidays. Not only had I gotten comfortable in my position, there was some self doubt about my worth to other companies. Let’s be real, who wants to hire a woman in her late 40’s, with a high school education, and one job. I was never going to leave on my own.
So, there I was, the decision made for me. Propelling me into what I am calling my forced mid life crisis.
I left that day and went straight to bed. Feeling very much like I had been dumped, I needed a good cry, and a nap.
For the next couple of weeks, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything that you would expect from losing ones job, I imagine. The fact that I was so naïve to thinking that I was secure in my position was particularly humbling. Fear and uncertainty along with the aforementioned self doubt weighed heavy. My lovely husband (who works in an industry where lay offs are common) suggested that I take a little vacation. This is something he had done for himself that helped him get over losing a job in the past.
Let me tell you, I have never booked a holiday so quickly. The idea of getting away for a few days and distracting myself from the pity party that I was currently wallowing in, was a great suggestion that I pounced on. Vegas, here I come.
I booked myself a cirque show. I have always wanted to go to a fancy French restaurant that had a multi course meal. I booked a reservation for that too. I’d do a bit of gambling ( not very good at it ) and maybe some shopping, a spa day…lot’s of thigs to do to keep myself preoccupied.
The show was fantastic, the meal was amazing. I got to try some foods on my bucket list that I am fairly confident in saying that my husband is happy to have avoided. Think frog legs, foie gras and squid ink pasta. While it was great to get away and leave my emotional baggage at home, I actually discovered, you can’t run from your feelings. Shocking I know. Don’t get me wrong, I did have a good time. But I started to feel guilty about spending money on somewhat frivolous things. You know, given the fact that I was unemployed and all.
I kept myself busy, but I also had waves of remembering what I was going to need to deal with once I got home.
I’ll end this blog with a quote about grief that came across my Instagram. It’s from Tyler Perry who was doing an interview with Oprah. (I follow neither of these people by the way, how does the algorithm know?!)
“grief is a very living thing, it visits at random. You can’t schedule it. I tried to work it away, I tried to drink it away…all it did was wait for me to finish”
Until next time, friends.
N
